Empaths
I am compelled to write today because of something I experienced over the weekend. I was at a party, chatting to a lady who was telling me a story about her mother in law. At some point, I had this desire to put my hand on her shoulder and I felt sad. The story was not sad to me so I was confused. Next thing I know, tears are rolling down her face. I realized, 'oh, right.....it was HER feeling!'
A friend told me I was an empath a long time ago but I never believed it. In my head, empaths were people who could not filter out other peoples' feelings from their own and that couldn't be me. I understood when someone was having a problem/issue/feeling that it was theirs and not mine. However, when they didn't tell me their problem but I could feel something was wrong that’s when I am often confused. As I learned to pay closer attention to my emotions, I notice that I pick up feelings from people, places and situations far more than I realized. Additionally, I noticed there are different layers/aspects to the whole empath thing. In the example above, how I knew it was her emotion was because she started crying. If she hadn't done that, I would have been confused as to why I was feeling sad and wanted to console her. I would have assumed the feeling was mine. That's one aspect.
Another layer/aspect is the absorption of people's beliefs or consciousness. A while ago, I lived with 2 other people. The consciousness of the household is you must work hard for your money by getting more hours at work. Starting your own business and working less hours at a job to build the business is not a way to be successful and have more money. Taking a couple days off to spend with your partner is not acceptable because you must work to get/save more money. I absorbed this belief system and assumed it as my own. In focusing most of my time on getting more hours and making money, it took me further away from the needs of my soul and I felt lost, lonely and out of sorts. My spiritual/soul side took a back seat and it was starving for attention. However, it was the feeling of being lost that made me take a look at what is going on inside. I was caught up in the dominant consciousness of the household and lost sight of MY dominant consciousness.
But what exactly is the big deal? What if you are empathic and I pick up other people's emotions....who cares? The answer is: When you assume other people's emotions/feelings as your own, YOU ARE NOT STANDING IN YOUR OWN POWER. You are not standing in your own truth or your own wisdom. You can be a more empowered individual if you stay true to who you are at all times and in all situations. To do that you must be able to separate your emotions from someone else;.
For the record, I certainly do not profess to understand all there is to know about the empathic person but here are some aspects that are strong indicators you are very sensitive to other people/situations:
Being able to put yourself in someone else shoes and feel their situation.
Picking up others' emotions.
Loosing your identity in an intimate relationship.
Picking up the consciousness of a room/place and assuming it as your own.
Automatically take on other peoples emotions as our own.
Trying to fix people because you feel how sad/depressed/ etc., they are.
Lack of healthy boundaries in close relationships.
I am guilty of all these. The most frustrating for me was loosing my identity in a partnership. I didn't even know it was happening until I moved out. I took on my partners' emotions, likes and dislikes so much that when i was on my own, I didn't even know how to decorate my place. I didn't know how I wanted things to be in my own space. When I went to the store, I would buy items we bought together; things I thought I wanted. Eventually, I started saying, 'you know what? I never really liked that item and i'm not going to buy it.....ever again!' Slowly, I started putting things in my space that I liked and made ME happy. This was nobody's fault but my own. I am aware that this particular example is an empathic issue thrown in with a whole lot codependency. A double whammy!
Please be aware that if you do not know whether an emotion is yours or not, it is easy to get into the blame game. The blame game becomes a problem when you do not take ownership for how you are feeling. It would be easy to blame my ex partner in the above example by saying, 'all the decorations in our house together were what YOU wanted.' Yes, that could be true but I didn't speak up. If I didn't speak up, how can I blame someone? I take full responsibility for my actions.
Lack of healthy boundaries is something I work on daily. What i've learned; it's ok to say no. You don't have to give a reason. Say no and stick with it. That's a boundary. You may already know where you could place boundaries in your life. The trick is to enforce them. The awareness of where they could go is half the battle.
So what about you? Are you empathic? Are you even aware that you take on other people's emotions and assimilate it as your own? If this is the case, here are some points that might help you understand how to work with this part of you:
You will need a strong sense of Self to sift through the layers of the emotions that you assimilate, process and project. Start with your level of awareness: Next time you are in public somewhere, just pay attention to how you are feeling. If you suddenly change how you are feeling, ask yourself 'is this change because of me?' When my emotional state shifts quickly, I first check in to see; am I hungry? Is my blood sugar low? How was I just feeling before this changed? You have to be very honest with yourself here. You may all of a sudden feel sad because you saw a couple kissing and you just had a break up. That's clearly your stuff. If it wasn't yours, you would likely feel love looking at the kissing couple. Own your stuff!
If you are not aware of the emotions you normally feel, then how will you know when they are yours or not yours? Awareness is key. If you are able to determine that the emotion you are feeling is yours, accept it and don't make excuses for it. It's yours and that's ok.
If an emotion gets too overwhelming for you, just ground yourself or shift your thinking to something more enjoyable. Please be safe here. You can cause damage to your energy field if you force yourself to stay in an emotion that is very difficult to deal with. If the emotion is that tangible, you can always go back to it when you are in a safer environment. A little bit at a time works well. If you are an all or nothing kind of person like me then perhaps have a close friend nearby to help bring you back to you.
Please remember, EMOTIONS ARE YOUR GUIDE. They are telling you something. LISTEN. Listen, whether they are yours or someone else's. Trust what you hear. Start trusting yourSelf.